Hope
by YaoiPrincess
Summary: Shigure has been acting very differently lately, and it has worried Tohru. Finally she approaches him. What new things will she find out about Shigure's past? [Gureru]


-- Hope --  
  
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Tohru first noticed it on a warm Tuesday morning when she was making bento for Yuki and Kyou. She felt it was a good morning, the type of morning that makes even the grumpiest of people happy. This feeling was confirmined when Kyou appeared beside her in the kitchen and thanked her calmly for making his bento for him. She thought that if Kyou, the most bad-tempered Sohma she knew could be happy on this sunny morning, then anyone could. She even thought she could hear him humming quietly as he left the room after thanking her.  
  
And of course, she was happy herself. She was doing what she loved doing most - helping out Yuki and Kyou by preparing their food for them. She loved to make things easier for others, and on this particular morning it felt even more rewarding than usual, just because of the cheerful mood the sun seemed to have put her in. Its warm rays were filtering in through the window above the bench she was working at, falling on her skin and hair and warming her up. The air felt so crisp and clear that morning, too, which gave Tohru a certain feeling of cleanliness she could never get from a bath or a shower.  
  
But little did she know that on this beautiful clear morning not everybody in the Sohma house was feeling as great as she was.  
  
Tohru was about to leave for school with Yuki and Kyou, and decided that since she hadn't seen Shigure yet that morning, she would go up to his room and say goodbye. She figured that he was either still sleeping, in which case she would let him be, or doing something in his room that had delayed him from coming downstairs to have breakfast. Perhaps he had had a sudden wave of inspiration for a story and desperately needed to write it down before he forgot it.  
  
After asking Yuki and Kyou to wait at the front door for her she ascended up the stairs and walked down the hallway, stopping at Shigure's door and gently knocking on it. After getting no response she slowly and quietly opened the door in case he was still asleep.  
  
"Shigure-san?" She whispered, poking her head into his room.  
  
Shigure was sitting silently at his low desk, on the opposite side from his computer. The entire table was cluttered with loose sheets of paper covered in scribbled writing. A few broken pens were scattered about on top of the paper and what looked like thousands of screwed up balls of paper littered the floor around Shigure and the table.  
  
Shigure didn't look up when Tohru peeped in. He was sitting deathly still with his elbows on the table and his head resting in his hands. He was staring blankly at the wall opposite him, his eyes unfocused, as if he was in some kind of eerie trance.  
  
"Shigure-san?" Tohru repeated, a bit alarmed at this odd behaviour. Shigure always looked up and greeted her with a happy "Hey, Tohru-kun!" whenever she visited his room. This morning, however, that was not the case.  
  
"Ah," Shigure said quietly, slowly turning his head and looking up at Tohru with eyes that seemed darker than usual. "Did you need something, Tohru-kun?" His voice was calm and almost dull... it scared Tohru to hear him speaking like this. It was so out of character.  
  
"I came up to say goodbye... I'm going to school with Yuki-kun and Kyou- kun now..." Tohru explained slowly.  
  
Shigure gave a small smile. "I'm touched that you thought of this old man and wanted to say bye before you left. Have a good day at school, won't you?"  
  
"H-hai..." Tohru blinked. There was a deadly silence in which Shigure went back to staring at the wall. "A-ano... Shigure-san? Are you okay?"  
  
"I'm fine, Tohru-kun. You go to school now and I'll see you this afternoon when you get back."  
  
"Hai... ittekimasu.." Tohru said quietly.  
  
"Itterasshai."  
  
Shutting Shigure's door, Tohru slowly walked back down to where Yuki and Kyou were waiting. Her mind raced with a thousand confusing questions. Shigure had been acting very strangely and not to mention extremely out of character. He was usually such a clown, and so cheerful. Where had all that cheer gone? He had been fine yesterday. If he wasn't usually such a happy-go-lucky guy, then Tohru would have just dismissed it as early morning tiredness or something similar. But this was really unlike him to act. Tohru bit her lip and finally reached Yuki and Kyou who were outside the house.  
  
"Honda-san? Are you all right?" Yuki asked curiously. "You look worried."  
  
"Ehh? I do?" Tohru asked in surprise. She hadn't even realised she was frowning.  
  
"What's wrong?"  
  
"Eeto... do either of you know what's wrong with Shigure-san?"  
  
"Nani?" Kyou asked, glancing at the worried girl. "Shigure? What's he done?"  
  
"Nothing, but... he's acting weirdly." Tohru explained as the three of them started on their way to school. "He's not his usual self."  
  
"I don't know... I haven't seen him this morning. I figured he was just sleeping in." Yuki said as they walked.  
  
"I did too," Kyou agreed. "He's always sleeping in. Are you sure he wasn't just tired or something?"  
  
"Iie, I'm not sure, but..." Tohru looked up ahead of her and frowned. "It just felt like something was wrong. Just the way he looked at me, and the way he spoke... I felt like I was speaking to a mirror-image of him."  
  
"Mirror-image?" Kyou repeated, not understanding what she meant.  
  
"Hai... as if I was talking to someone who is the exact opposite of Shigure-san." Tohru told him.  
  
Yuki sighed and shrugged. "Well, it stumps me... but he'll probably be fine by the time we get home from school. I wouldn't worry about it too much. He always perks up."  
  
"Yeah..." Tohru agreed, but was unconvinced. For some reason she couldn't count on Yuki's words. For some reason, something was nagging in the back of her mind, telling her something was really bringing Shigure down. A thick, dark cloud of worry floated over Tohru's head the rest of the day.  
  
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That afternoon when the three high school students returned home from school, the house was silent.  
  
"Tadaima!" Tohru called out cheerfully, waiting for the familiar, jovial "Okaeri nasai!" that Shigure always responded with. But the response never came. "Shigure-san?" Tohru called out. Again there was no response. "Where could he be?" She asked Yuki and Kyou.  
  
"I don't know.." Yuki replied. "I'll go upstairs and check..."  
  
Tohru and Kyou both went to the kitchen to see if he was raiding the fridge or getting himself a drink. But the kitchen was absent of Shigure.  
  
"Shigure!" Kyou yelled sternly. "Where the hell are you?"  
  
Yuki appeared in the kitchen doorway and looked around. "He's not in here?" He asked as he walked towards Tohru and Kyou.  
  
"Iie," Tohru replied. "Isn't he upstairs?"  
  
Yuki shook his head. "This is unlike him."  
  
"What the hell is up with him?" Kyou asked angrily. "He's gone out and left the house all unlocked! That stupid baka--"  
  
"What's all the yelling about?" came a curious voice from behind the three students.  
  
All three of them whirled around quickly at the same time to see Shigure standing in the kitchen doorway, leaning against the frame, dressed in his usual attire: a grey kimono.  
  
"Shigure-san! There you are!" Tohru exclaimed, a wide smile brightening her face. "We were worried! We didn't know where you were."  
  
"I was up on the roof," Shigure explained, surprising the others. "You guys make a lot of noise."  
  
"The roof?!" Kyou asked. "You never sit up there."  
  
Shigure turned away. "Well, I decided to today. It's quite a peaceful place up there." And he left the room quietly.  
  
"Eh?" Tohru blinked. "A-ano, Shigure-san!" She quickly followed him to the living room where he had already sat down at the table and opened today's newspaper. "Have you eaten?"  
  
"Hrmm?" He looked up at her. "Oh - no, I guess not."  
  
"Uwaaa?!" Tohru squealed. By now Yuki and Kyou had appeared on either side of where she was standing. "Why didn't you eat?"  
  
Shigure shrugged. "I guess I forgot." He said in a voice that sounded very uncaring.  
  
"W-well," Tohru stammered, "I'll go bring you a snack, you must be so hungry--"  
  
"Iie, Tohru-kun," Shigure said in his calm and collected voice. He already had his eyes glued back on the newspaper. "It's okay. I can wait for dinner."  
  
"Are you sure?"  
  
"Positive."  
  
"O-okay..." Tohru said, dumbfounded. Shigure lovedfood. Yet, he had just gone the whole day without eating a bite.  
  
"Shigure, what's wrong with you?!" Kyou suddenly asked. "What kind of fool forgets to eat?"  
  
"This fool, I suppose," Shigure muttered. Kyou only gave him an odd look in response, then walked off in a huff towards his room.  
  
"Are you sick, Shigure?" Yuki asked in a much more compassionate voice than Kyou had used. "Is that why you didn't eat?"  
  
"No, I'm feeling fine," Shigure replied, turning a page of the newspaper. "I just forgot, that's all. Really."  
  
Yuki nodded without saying a word, and slowly turned to Tohru. "Honda- san, shall we go to the secret base?"  
  
"Hai!" Tohru said brightly, trying her best to lift the heavyness in the atmosphere.  
  
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For the rest of the week Shigure was very reserved and kept to himself most of the time. He spent the majority of the days locked up in his bedroom, and when Tohru went up to let him know when meals were ready, or just to check on him, she noticed even more screwed up bits of paper littering the floor. Every evening she went into his room to clean up, which he never objected to, but then the next evening there would be even more bits of paper and pens strewn across the table and floor. Whenever Tohru asked him why there were so many sheets of paper that had been scribbled on and thrown away, he simply replied that he just couldn't write today. By Friday this had truly worried Tohru, because usually there was never an entire day when Shigure couldn't write. Writing was his passion, but this week it just didn't seem to be working for him. Why? It was a question she asked herself over and over but could never come up with an answer to.  
  
Apart from when she cleaned his room and checked on him, the only other times Tohru saw him were when he came downstairs to have meals, or if he was sitting around reading a book or the newspaper. Sometimes she even saw him walking alone into the forest, only to return alone again a couple of hours later.  
  
There was another strange thing she noticed about him too: he stopped listening to the American radio station. Every time he walked into a room where that station was playing, he would quickly change it to another station, as if it was a curse just to be hearing songs in English. As if it pained him for some reason. And he usually didn't mind the American station.  
  
On Friday evening, after dinner, Shigure disappeared again and Tohru figured he had gone back to his bedroom. Severely concerned now, she decided she would go up and visit him, and ask what was wrong. This time she would get some real answers. There would be no point in him telling her he was fine now, because it was quite obvious he wasn't. He had gone almost an entire week without doing something goofy or annoying somebody - it was starting to scare Tohru. It was the first time she had ever seen Shigure act this way and she knew now that something must really be bothering him. Did he do something, maybe read an article in a magazine or see something on TV, that upset him for some reason? Or maybe...  
  
Tohru froze halfway up the stairs and fear struck her. What if she had done or said something to him that had offended him?! And she hadn't realised it since Tuesday, when he first started this strange behaviour? Had she been walking around for four days totally oblivious to an offence she had struck Shigure with? She couldn't bare to think about it. Feeling dizzy and upset, she hurried up the stairs and threw Shigure's door open.  
  
"Shigure-san! I'm sor-" She stopped in mid-sentence. The room was empty. It was still tidy from when Tohru had cleaned it up before dinner, so that meant Shigure hadn't gone back in since he came down for the meal. So where was he? He had disappeared straight after dinner, and it had been almost half an hour since then. Where could he have gone to? Tohru panicked; she had to find him so she could apologise for whatever she had done to upset him! She didn't want him to feel upset anymore. She didn't want him to be unhappy.  
  
Sprinting back downstairs, she tore the living room door open and stopped in the doorway, panting. Yuki and Kyou, who were sitting at the table watching TV, looked up at her in bewilderment.  
  
"Honda-san? What's wrong?" Yuki asked soothingly.  
  
"Where is Shigure-san?? He's disappeared! I can't find him anywhere!" Tohru squealed, falling to the floor infront of the TV.  
  
Kyou rolled his eyes and huffed. "Quit worrying so much! You'll give yourself a heart attack or something! He's up on the roof. I wanted to go up there earlier but couldn't because he's stolen it, that bastard."  
  
"Ahh!" Tohru exclaimed, and without another word she leapt to her feet and raced outside to the ladder that was propped up against the house so Kyou could easily get onto the roof. She climbed up the rungs as fast as she could and by the time she was at the top she felt exhausted. Gazing out over the dark roof she saw Shigure's dark figure sitting at the top. "Shigure-san!" She gasped, clambering up onto the roof tiles.  
  
Shigure slowly turned his head and gawked at her in surprise as she scrambled over to him. "Tohru-kun? What are you doing?"  
  
"Shigure-san, gomen nasai!" She said with a face so sad-looking it almost broke Shigure's heart to be seeing it. "I'm sorry for whatever I did. Whatever I did that upset you. I was worried all week about you and now I've only just realised that I must have said or done something wrong. Something offensive, to upset Shigure-san. Gomen, gomen, gomen! Please don't be angry at me, I didn't mean--"  
  
"Tohru-kun," Shigure interrupted, giving a sad smile. "You did no such thing. Tohru-kun never upsets me." He stated calmly.  
  
"A-ara?" Tohru breathed. "Are you sure? You haven't been yourself all week... I thought I had done something to offend Shigure-san." She sniffed and wiped tears from her eyes.  
  
"Never." Shigure responded. He patted the roof next to him. "Come and join me, Tohru-kun."  
  
Silently Tohru crawled closer to him and sat down, making herself as comfortable as she could be on a hard roof. Following Shigure's gaze she glanced up at the dark night sky and was overwhelmed by the beauty of the brightly sparkling stars that night.  
  
For the first time, she noticed that Shigure had brought something up here with him - a small radio. She hadn't heard the music coming from it to begin with because she had been too busy frantically apologising for something she didn't do. The music spilling from the radio's speakers was very gentle and soothing. It sounded like alternative rock. Tohru liked it, but wished she could understand it. She recognised the language as English and wondered if Shigure was finally listening to the American radio station again.  
  
As if reading her thoughts, Shigure whispered, "It's nice, isn't it? This music." He didn't take his eyes off the sky above. Looking at him, Tohru thought he looked very mournful... like he had lost someone close to him. She thought she could also see an expression of regret mixed in with it, but wasn't sure.  
  
"Hai, it's very relaxing... it sounds almost sad." She replied. The woman's voice on the radio was beautiful and soothing and rang out melodiously. It made Tohru want to sing along, but she didn't know the words. After a few moments of silence, she sighed, "I wonder what she is singing about."  
  
"Mmm." Shigure murmured. "She's singing about regret - she said some bad things and hurt someone she loves. She's broken him, and wishing she could take it all back, wishing that he would say those bad things back to her."  
  
Tohru looked at Shigure in surprise, and was about to speak but Shigure continued.  
  
"She's saying she can't live without him... she wants to be forgiven for what she did. She's hurting because she hurt him, and wants forgiveness, because he makes her happy, and she needs him to survive. Because she loves him a lot, and didn't mean any of the horrible things she said."  
  
"Shigure-san..." Tohru whispered. "I didn't know you knew English."  
  
A smile tugged at Shigure's lips. "I'm pretty fluent. I can understand most things said in English."  
  
The song ended and Shigure sighed, lifting a hand to press a button on the radio. He then pressed another button and Tohru recognised the sound of a tape rewinding - Shigure wasn't listening to the American station, he was listening to a tape. Finally he pressed the play button and the same song played over again.  
  
"Shigure-san likes this song, ne?" Tohru asked, giving him a warm smile. Shigure looked at her uncertainly, but only gave a small smile in return before glancing back up at the stars.  
  
"This was the song she loved."  
  
Tohru calmly looked at the treetops in the thick forest ahead of them. "She?"  
  
Shigure was silent. Tohru could sense his reluctance, but at the same time she could feel that this was something Shigure was dying to get out. He was fighting a battle against himself, deciding whether or not to say what he had to say.  
  
"Shigure-san... can tell me anything." Tohru explained quietly, and Shigure looked at her again. "Because Shigure-san is a good person, and I will listen to whatever he has to say... even if it is sad or upsetting... or even if it is embarassing for him... because I will never judge him for anything he has to say. Shigure-san is my friend... and if he needs someone to confide in, then... that person can be me." She looked down at her hands. "I want to help Shigure-san. I want him to be happy."  
  
There was silence and Tohru could feel Shigure's gaze upon her. Finally, he whispered, "Arigatou, Tohru-kun." And Tohru could feel how grateful he was. It was overflowing in his voice.  
  
"Tomorrow is May the 26th," Shigure stated, and for a moment Tohru felt disappointment because it seemed he was going to change the subject and not tell her his true feelings. But the disappointment soon dissolved when he continued to speak. "May the 26th... two years before you came to live with us. That was the day... Satsuki left me." He gave a quiet, sad laugh. "I thought she was wonderful. I guess I was blind. A blind, love-struck fool."  
  
"What happened?" Tohru asked remorsefully.  
  
"I met her at a bookstore, of all places. I went there to see how my latest novel was doing and to buy some of the best sellers there that I was interested in. She was in the store at the same time and recognised me, so she approached me. Apparently she was a fan of some novels I had written. I was touched when she told me that. I don't often get approached like that. She really was wonderful... she was kind, and had the most beautiful singing voice..." Shigure's voice faded away for a few moments, as if he got lost in an old memory, but then he continued. "I fell in love really quickly... she was so bright and kind... and loving.  
  
"We were together for about six months... and those were some of the happiest times of my life. I was so sure I had found 'the one'. The one I would spend the rest of my life with. We were so good together. She made me truly happy. But I was just a fool, blinded by his own love.  
  
"I managed to go all that time without letting her hug me... she got angry about it sometimes. She would ask me why, but I could never answer. I didn't want her to know what I was. I didn't want her to know... that I'm just... just a mongrel. But she eventually did find out. She surprised me one day so I couldn't hold her back... she hugged me, and I transformed... and I think it really scared her." Shigure sighed heavily and looked away. "A-and... she just left. She left me, as if it was the easiest thing... in the world... for her to do... after all those months we had spent together. After all the times she had told me, 'I love you'. She... she left me so easily. She was in disbelief, and angry at me because all along, I was just a pathetic mutt. That's what she called me.  
  
"It hurt so much, Tohru-kun. I can't remember a time before then that I had ever felt so hurt, so crushed. It felt as though she had ripped my heart straight out of my chest and stomped on it with high heeled shoes. She didn't... accept me because of what I am." His voice was beginning to crack and just the sound of it brought tears to Tohru's eyes. "After all that time... I thought we were really in love... I was prepared to live my whole life with her... but when I transformed, she didn't want me anymore."  
  
Silence fell between Shigure and Tohru, and Tohru wiped at her eyes with her sleeve. After a few moments Shigure laughed, but it was a laugh full to the brim with sorrow and pain. "I guess I don't blame her... after all, who could ever love an animal?"  
  
"Sh-Shigure-san," Tohru choked, and now her tears flowed freely down her hot cheeks. "You're not an animal. Shigure-san is the most caring person I've ever.. ever met." She sniffled and wiped at her eyes again. Shigure looked sadly at her and sighed.  
  
"Please don't cry, Tohru-kun. Why are you upset?"  
  
"Because Shigure-san is unhappy."  
  
Shigure gave her a gentle smile. "I will recover. I got sad because I looked at my calendar on Tuesday and saw May 26th was close... the day I transformed and Satsuki left. The day I want to so desperately forget. But there is still hope for me yet..."  
  
Tohru let out a quiet sob and fresh tears trickled out from her eyes. "There is?"  
  
"Hai, there is. After Satsuki left, I lost all hope in anyone ever being able to accept me, knowing I was cursed. But then, Tohru-kun came along into my life, and it was one of the best things that has ever happened to this old man."  
  
Tohru could only stare at him. She was speechless. She tried to think of something to say but nothing would come. It was almost like she had suddenly forgotten how to speak at all.  
  
"Tohru-kun is the most caring and accepting person I have ever met. You know that day when we first met, when Yuki-kun, Kyou-kun and I all transformed?"  
  
Tohru nodded, and when she blinked more tears splashed onto her face.  
  
"I was very very scared... in those moments after we had all transformed." Shigure breathed, his voice much quieter now. "Because I had just met this wonderfully delightful girl who was so caring and polite... and cute of course," Shigure winked and for a fleeting moment had his old spark back, "But I was so sure that you would scream and never want to see us again. You did scream, but only because you were panicking and wanted to help us..."  
  
Tohru blushed and looked down at her knees. Shigure went on.  
  
"Until that moment, I had lost all hope in ever finding a person so accepting. But I did. We all did, when we found Tohru-kun. And for that..." his voice finally broke, "I am more grateful than you could imagine..." He looked at Tohru desperately and in the moonlight she saw tears shining in his eyes.  
  
"Shigure-san, sumimasen," Tohru sniffled. "I'm sorry you have to go through that kind of thing... I'm.. so.. sorry.." And without warning she leaned forward and wrapped her arms tightly around Shigure's torso in a compassionate hug. He was so surprised by this sudden action that he didn't even feel himself transform. All he knew was that Tohru was hugging him, and he was suddenly a dog. Closing his eyes he nuzzled her neck and enjoyed her loving warmth.  
  
"I'm sure that someday Shigure-san will find someone who he can love without having to worry about them rejecting him... because they will accept the fact that he can't help it... and they will hug him with all of their love, because they won't care about what happens. Shigure-san will find that person someday."  
  
A shining tear fell from Shigure's canine eye and splattered onto a dark roof tile by his paw. "Maybe I already have." He sighed.  
  
"Ara?" said Tohru curiously, looking down at him but not breaking the hug. "Who?"  
  
Shigure's doggy lips curled upward in a smile and he whispered, "Nevermind. What's important is that I'm feeling much better now... and all thanks to Tohru-kun." He leaned up and licked her cheek, making her giggle.  
  
"That tickles, Shigure-san."  
  
"Shall we go back inside, now? It's getting kind of cold out here." Shigure suggested.  
  
"Hai!" Tohru got to her feet.  
  
"Oh, but climbing down that horrible ladder is too perilous for this old dog!" he cried dramatically. "Tohru-kun will have to come to my rescue!"  
  
Tohru smiled, and to Shigure, it lit up her whole face. He was constantly in awe at how much kindness this young woman had inside her.  
  
"Of course I shall help Shigure-san. I will always be there to help him out when he needs it!"  
  
Shigure smiled gratefully. "Arigatou, Tohru-kun. Now we should quickly hurry and get me down the ladder before I transform back into a human. We wouldn't want me to transform while you were still carrying me down. Ohh! Wouldn't that be a sight?"  
  
And his furry tail was wagging in delight.  
  
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A/N: Awww. Now wasn't that cute? Gah, I just love Gureru... *melts* 


End file.
